Congress Slaps the Supremes Back to Their Roots

A Parody Because Court Packing Completely Ignores Congress’ Real Power

US Supreme Court Building Source: PixarBay
US Supreme Court Building Source: PixarBay

Item 1: Salaries

We have reviewed your current salaries of $270,700 (Chief Justice) and $258,900 (Associate Justices). To be blunt, they are obscene. We know this because the founding fathers clearly laid out the salary for individuals in your esteemed position in the Compensation Act of 1789, which we are reinstating in part.

Item 2: Addressing Modern Distractions and Their Impacts

Modern society and culture differ significantly from that of our founding fathers. Much of this change was (and still is) driven by technological advances. As everyday life may diminish your ability to comprehend our founders’ original intent in the correct historical context, we must minimize these distractions as much as possible.

2.1: Rent and Utilities Budget Changes

During our revisions, we made substantial budget cuts to your rent and utilities. This is not an error.

2.2: The Supreme Court Building

The founding fathers did not originally intend for you to have a building. We know this because we were roomies for most of the first 146 years of our shared existence. Our 1929 vote to fund your current building was a polite eviction notice from us to you. We are not reversing that decision.

2.3: Telecommunications and I.T. Budget Issues

While puzzling over the telecommunications and I.T. expenditures in your proposed budget, we asked ourselves this question. Would Alexander Hamilton recognize this phone, fax, email, laptop, etcetera? We picked Alexander Hamilton as our standard because he is also the primary author of The Federalist Papers, penning 51 of the 85 essays.

2.4: Court and Office Furnishings

The president has kindly lent us a National Park Service historian, who specializes in late 18th-century furnishings. During your class with the Mount Vernon reenactors, this individual will remove all non-period office furnishings, including rolling executive chairs, and replace them with the GSA-approved furnishings that most closely resemble those available in 1789. As these will likely be wood cafe chairs, we recommend bringing your own horse-hair or cotton stuffed cushion.

Item 3: Pending Issues

3.1: Transportation

We have submitted a request for information to several local purveyors of horse-drawn carriage rides on your behalf. We will notify you once we receive this information. For the time being, we request that you use modern transportation methods.

3.2: Returning to the Original Court Composition and Its Majority Vote Ratio

Unless three (3) of your current members resign, we will not reduce the size of the court to its 1789 standard of five (5) associate justices and one (1) chief justice with a 4:2 majority vote.

Conclusion

We trust that these measures will help you better achieve and understand the average 1789 free man’s mindset, particularly regarding his understanding of our Constitution. Please notify us in writing should these measures prove insufficient. We are perfectly willing to hold another emergency session on your behalf.

Freelancer. Data geek. Gardener. Baker. Spaniel lover. Georgian. MA International Commerce and Policy.

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