Brutally Honest Bidet Ad Copy

I now know what it feels like to pee on Everest

Photo by Jasmin Sessler on Unsplash

Bidet manufacturers and Amazon reviewers are sadistic liars with ultrasonic hearing. This superpower lets them pick up the horrified screams of newbies from over five hundred miles away. Stubborn ones like myself are the entertainment that keeps giving.

My bidet feels like a firehose hooked up to a melting glacier. They lied. I’m the idiot who believed them. Therefore, I rewrote their ad copy.

If copy writers told the truth

Did the Great Toilet Paper Shortage catch you with your pants down? Do you still count the fluffy white rolls of Precious, or have you converted your garage into a personal Angel Soft warehouse?

Free your booty from the tyranny of Charmin! Order your bidet toilet seat attachment today and never worry about dingleberries again.

Our install is idiot-proof. Unscrew your toilet seat and connect our top-of-the-line squirt gun to the toilet’s waterline. If you forget to turn the water off, congratulations! You’ve won a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to learn bathroom remodeling from YouTube videos.

Once you’ve screwed the toilet seat back on, it’s time for your first squat. This is a special moment, just not for you.

Call your friends and family. Tell them to gather outside the bathroom door and gird your loins for your slapstick comedy debut. We guarantee that when that ice-cold water blasts your nether regions, you will squeal like a dying rabbit. If you don’t, wait until February, when you’ll discover the joy of peeing outdoors in the Arctic without leaving the comfort of your porcelain throne.

Hemorrhoid suffers rave about our instant-numbing capabilities. Who needs lidocaine when a ten-second squirt leaves your entire behind numb for hours?

Forget about saving the trees! You’ll use more TP drying off your derriere than if you’d stuck with the old-fashioned roll. As for towels, we hope you enjoy doing laundry with lots of non-environmentally friendly germ-killing chemicals. We know where that towel’s been. You’ll need them.

Don’t worry. No amount of toilet paper or towels will get you completely dry. If you enjoy the “Mommie, I made an oopsie” feel of clammy flesh in semi-dry underwear, this is the device for you.

Get your latest useless gadget on Amazon today. (Or rescue mine from the local landfill.)