Brutally Honest Bidet Ad Copy

I now know what it feels like to pee on Everest

Kristle Chester

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Don’t panic empty toilet paper roll.
Photo by Jasmin Sessler on Unsplash

Bidet manufacturers and Amazon reviewers are sadistic liars with ultrasonic hearing. This superpower lets them pick up the horrified screams of newbies from over five hundred miles away. Stubborn ones like myself are the entertainment that keeps giving.

My bidet feels like a firehose hooked up to a melting glacier. They lied. I’m the idiot who believed them. Therefore, I rewrote their ad copy.

If copy writers told the truth

Did the Great Toilet Paper Shortage catch you with your pants down? Do you still count the fluffy white rolls of Precious, or have you converted your garage into a personal Angel Soft warehouse?

Free your booty from the tyranny of Charmin! Order your bidet toilet seat attachment today and never worry about dingleberries again.

Our install is idiot-proof. Unscrew your toilet seat and connect our top-of-the-line squirt gun to the toilet’s waterline. If you forget to turn the water off, congratulations! You’ve won a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to learn bathroom remodeling from YouTube videos.

Once you’ve screwed the toilet seat back on, it’s time for your first squat. This is a special moment, just not for you.

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Kristle Chester

Freelancer. Data geek. Gardener. Baker. Spaniel lover. Georgian. MA International Commerce and Policy.